Does anyone believe in me?

I know I have a lot of people rooting for me.  Encouraging me.  Asking me how the "diet" is going and  how the gym is going.  I love the support and it helps me immensely.  Just to hear how proud people are of me and their words of encouragement.  Those words echo in my head as I'm pushing through my runs.

But on the other hand, part of me wonders if, in the back of their heads, they are wondering when I will fail.  When I'll give up.  Not that anyone wishes it on me...but I've "failed" so many times before, I wonder if they just expect it.

There is a man I work with who has a funny sense of humor.  I always tell him that he has no filter.  He says things that just make me cringe.  But he's a nice guy and sometimes he just says what other people are probably thinking, but won't say.

Well, a few times since I've started my journey, he's made comments about how he thinks I'll fail.  Or that I'll injure myself and will quit the gym/running, and gain my weight back and then some.  He said I'll never run a 5K and if I do, he'll pay me $20.  In my mind, I know he is kidding.  At least I think he is.  He just is like that.  Says stuff like that all the time.  But part of me wonders if there is any truth to his predictions.  Not that I believe I'll fail, but I wonder if part of him, and others, really think at some point I will.

And why wouldn't they have that thought?  How many times have I decided to eat better?  How many times have I started and restarted Atkins...and then switched it up to just eat better.  And it never lasts long.  I always have an excuse as to why I can't work out.  Like Dr. Phil says (Yes, I'm quoting Dr. Phil. LOL) "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."  And my past behavior shows I'm a quitter.

But Dr. Phil also asks that questions "...and how's that working for ya?"  Well, its not.  It hasn't.  My past behavior has turned me into a woman who is 257lbs, has a cholesterol level of 250 and is inactive.  So...its not working.  But I recognize that.

I've come to recognize that if I don't change my life - food, exercise, etc. - then I'm going to die early.

I've often said, about people who smoke and have kids, that they are cheating their child out of a parent.  They are cutting their life short.  They are selfish.  But one day, not that long ago I realized, I'm doing the same thing...with food.  I'm selfish.  I'm eating what I want, because I want to, when I want to, with no regard for my health.  With no regard to the fact that I'm cheating my little girl out of having a mom for a really long time.

Even after having that revelation, I still didn't make changes. Well, I tried to...a few times, but I always failed.

I'm not going to this time.  I've decided not to be selfish.  And as I've said before, I'm doing this not only for me, but for my little girl.  I want to see her grow up.  I want to see her graduate and get married and have babies.  I want to see my grandchildren grow up.  I can't do that without changing my life.

I plan on showing the people who make those "jokes" that I will do it.  I will reach my goals.  I will not quit.  Its different this time.  I'm changing my future.  I'm changing OUR future.

I love you sweet baby girl.  You are my life.