A month??

Wow...didn't realize I hadn't posted in a month.  Sorry people.  Not that I have many people following me, but still.  LOL

Running is going good!  I just completed Week 7!  I'm running...well, jogging, 28 minutes straight now!  Yay me!

Random:  That was a lot of "!'s" LOL

Anyway...I start Week 8 on Monday.  I have three more runs, and if I complete all three in a row, I'll be done with Couch to 5K in about a week and a half.  Wow.

I started this in April.  I remember those first runs.  I thought I was going to die.  I couldn't imagine getting to the point of being able to run continuously.  That just seemed so far out of reach.  People kept telling me this program worked.  And I know its been around for a while - so I had no real reason for not believing it did.  I guess my issue was believing in myself.  Thats something I need to work on.

I still have a goal to run a 5K in the fall.  October maybe?  I'm only completing about 2.25 miles - and that is with a 5 minute warm up walk and a 5 minute cool down walk.  My plan is to continue with the running.  Doing 30 minutes at a time, once I complete the program, and then start working on my speed/distance.

Running a 5K seems so far out of reach...but its like my fingers are brushing the tips of it.  I can ALMOST fathom it.  Almost...

Weight wise I'm doing great!  I've lost 30lbs...but I think I've gained a good amount of muscle, so I may have lost more than that in inches.

Here are a couple of pics, just for comparison.

Slacking...

Luckily I'm slacking on this blog and not my running.

I did ok last week, getting back into the swing of things.  I found a trick that gets me through the runs easier.  I noticed that as my runs got longer, I was having a really hard time.  I'd listen to my music and try to not focus on the time remaining.  But I didn't do very good at it.  Last week it was time for me to do my 8 minute runs.  I didn't know how I was going to do it.  So for the heck of it, I decided to attempt reading on my iPhone.  Not easy as you are running.  I kept losing my place...BUT, it really helped keep my mind off of the time left.  Before I knew it, I was done!

Ok...so fast forward to Friday.  I was working from home.  Work was a little slow.  It was a fairly cool, cloudy day...a little humidity, but there was a nice breeze.  I decided to get my butt up and attempt to do a run outside.

Now, I've heard running outside, when you are used to running on a treadmill, is a totally different experience.  Well, let me tell you.........it is.  Holy cow!  Not to mention, my next scheduled run was 20 minutes STRAIGHT.  But I decided that I had no good reason to not attempt it.  I figured that I'd just slow down if I needed to, but that I should at least try.

It was rough.  I felt like I was back at the beginning of this journey.  My chest was heavy.  My legs killed.  I was sweating even though it was cool with a nice breeze.  I had to slow down to a walk twice, but all in all, I did ok.  I was pretty proud of myself.

Well, yesterday I was back at work.  Back at the gym.  Scheduled to run on the treadmill.  I wasn't sure if I could do the full 20 minutes...but I figured I'd try.

I get on the treadmill and I decide to try the reading trick again.  It was hard.  But my breathing was ok.  My legs felt ok.  Before I knew it, it was counting down.  Every time 5 minutes passed it would tell me.  So I'd just try making it through that 5 minute run and then I'd tackle the next.

Well...four 5 minute runs later...I did it!  I did 20 minutes continuously!  No stopping!  I did 4.2...so a slow jog...but I did it!!!

Hard to believe that just a couple of months ago, I was getting winded walking up ONE flight of stairs.  Now, I'm jogging 20 minutes at a time! 

I feel like my goal of a 5k is within my reach.  I can see it in the distance...its coming into view a little bit more each time I run.  I can see it!!  I'm so very proud of myself.  So proud that I don't even have the right words...but I feel it...and I love it!

Yay me!!!  I think you can officially call me a runner!

Never again!

So, I never checked back in last week...but taking a week off DOES affect you.  I will never ever do that again.

I had a hard time getting through the 5 minute interval runs.  I really had to push myself.  And my legs were hurting afterward...not just sore...but they HURT.  By Thursday I was hurting big time.  So I took Friday off.

Yesterday I was not able to get to they gym...I'll go today and tomorrow.  Then Thursday and Friday are going to be difficult.  I'm afraid that will set me back as well.  Ugh.

I'm not quitting.  I'm still doing it.  But its rough. 

Oh and foot did fine.  No pain.  :)

Ready to Run!

So, my foot seems to be healing well.  Today...after just over a week off, I'm going back to the gym.  I think my foot will be ok.  I guess we'll see what happens when I put the sock and sneaker on.

I'm supposed to start Week 5 Run 2, which is two 8 minute runs.  But I think that I'm going to repeat the run I ended on, which is three 5 minute runs.  We'll see how I do with that.

I hope over a week off didn't screw me up too much.  But if it did, I'm not going to let it get me down.  I'm just going to keep going!

Anxious...

I'm nervous...I haven't been to the gym since last week.  I got a tattoo on my foot on Saturday and I knew that I would have to take a break from running.  My tattoo guy said I could put on a sneaker/sock whenever I felt comfortable enough to do it.

Well, my foot is still pretty sore.  And the tattoo is starting to scab over, so its tight feeling.  I know right now I would not be ok to put a sneaker on.  Its still uncomfortable wearing a flip flop.

I'm starting to get anxious...almost panicky, about not working out.  Its odd because I do not like the gym, but its like my body needs it at this point.  It feels odd to pack up my work stuff and head straight home.  Usually I pack up my stuff and head straight to the gym.

I'm also worried that taking a week of will set me back in my runs.  My next run is supposed to be 8 minute intervals.  I'm scared I won't be able to.  I wonder how long it takes for your body to take a few steps back.  I wonder if I'll have to go back to my 5 minute runs.  I just don't want to screw up my progress.

I'm going to give myself the rest of the week.  I think my foot needs the rest of the week.  On Monday I'm going to put my sneakers back on and attempt to do my run.  I hope I can do it.

So I guess I'll check in on Monday.

Here is the tattoo if anyone cares to see it:

I did it...again.

So, I did the Week 4 run again on Monday...and plan to do it today as well.  I did it.  It was tough, but I got through. 

I really think that the fact that I did the bike and leg weight machines before, last time, had something to do with not being able to finish last week.

I was told by a friend to do weights before I do my cardio...but I think, because most of the machines I'm doing, are leg machines, that its not helping me in the running department.  Its tiring out my legs before I get a chance to run.  I was talking to the trainer who works in the gym here at work and she said that she always does her cardio before the weights. 

Gah...who do I listen to??  I get one thing from one group and another from another group.  I guess in my head, I figure, at this point...at least I'm doing it and who cares, right now, in what order I do it.  If I need to do my weights after I run, so that I can make it through, that is what I'm going to do.  (No offense Jackie ;-) LOL)

So today I will run again.  I'm not worried about it.  I will finish. 

Random TMI...what I do worry about today is the fact that I forgot my sports bra.  LOL  I'm not small chested.  It'll be interesting to see how this goes.  I may injure someone on the treadmill next to me!!  Hahaha!

I plan to do Week 4 the rest of this week...and possibly next week.  Not sure yet.  I haven't looked to see what Week 5 is.  LOL  I'm afraid to.  I am guessing its going to be 5 minute runs with a shorter rest in between.  Maybe I'll surprise myself and at least try it.

Another reason why I debate starting a new week, next week is that on the 4th (in a week and a half) I have an appointment to get a new tattoo.  Where you ask?  Crazy me...on my foot.  *smacks forehead*  I'm excited.  I've wanted it for a very long time...but figures, its going to mess up my running.  I'm pretty sure I won't be able to put a sneaker on for at least a week or so.  I'm even trying to figure out how to get ANY exercise the week after.  Can you wear flip flops to the gym?  LOL

In other news...I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months, last week.  Its more of a relief.  I wasn't in love with him.  The old clique quote "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" comes to mind.  It broke my heart to end things...he's a great guy.  I've decided that I should use my running as something to focus on for the next month or two...or longer.  Run to ease the pain instead of stuffing my face, and watching tv to ease the pain. 

So, wish me luck.  As I said the other day "Week 4...I OWN you!!"

Grrrrr...

So, Wednesday I went to do my Week 4, Run 2.  I was looking forward to doing it again.  I walk into the gym at work and all the treadmills were full.  So I figured I'd just do my weights and stuff first (which I usually do) and maybe by then someone will be off. 

I finish my weights.  Still no empty one.  Figured I go do my crunches and hand weights.  I usually do that after my run.  I finish.  Still no empty one.

So now I'm getting annoyed.  There is a time limit when the gym is full.  20 minutes.  If there are other empty treadmills...run for an hour if you want.  If they are all being used, you are to limit your time.  No one was following this rule.  Two had been on them almost 40 minutes.  Ugh.  So I knew I wasn't going to get a full run in.  I decided to go on one of the stationary bikes while I waited, but I was going to go slow in case I got the chance to run.  I didn't want to tire out my legs. 

5 minutes in...a treadmill opened up.  I still knew I wasn't going to get a full run it, but decided to do what I could.

Ran my first 3 minutes.  It was hard.  Harder than usual.  Then I got to my second run.  5 minutes.  I couldn't do it.  I literally could not move my legs.  I felt like I was going to fall over.  My chest hurt.  I had to stop.

I was SO mad at myself.  So mad.  Why was I able to do it Monday, but not Wednesday?

I thought maybe the bike had tired my legs out.  I also usually go on the end treadmill, next to where the fan is so I can have it blowing on me.  I couldn't do that, that day.  I was roasting and sweat was pouring off me.  I also could see myself in the mirror.  I did NOT like what I saw.

Those big thighs jiggling as I "ran".  How big I looked.  How pathetic I felt like I looked.  To me, I felt like I was running/jogging...but when I looked in the mirror, I felt like it looked pathetic.  Like I was barely moving my legs.

So maybe it was a combo of all of that.  I don't know.  I was...and still am...a little upset.  I know people say you'll have days like that.  I had planned to try again Thursday - even though that isn't my normal running day - but last minute I had to bring my daughter to the doctors.  And today I am not at work - so no gym.

I'm going to try again Monday.  I just hope I can find that strength in me again.  I hope it was just the circumstances from Wednesday that didn't allow me to finish.  I don't want to feel like that again.

In better news...I lost 4lbs this past week.  Very happy about that.  I've met my mini goal of 250lbs by the end of May.  So yay me!

I did it!

I did it!  I did it!  I did it!!

I did Week 4 today, and while it was tough, it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Perhaps it was because I just didn't have enough faith in myself...perhaps it was because I slowed my pace down from 4.5 to 4.0 (which the program tells you to do if you need to)...or perhaps it was a bit of both.  I don't care which it was.  I did it!

I had to stop running 10 seconds before my last run was over because I literally felt the sting of tears in the back of my throat and I was holding them back and couldn't catch my breath.  A couple of tears did fall while I was doing my cook down walk - and when I got to my car, I lost it. 

I am so proud of myself.  I know its "only" been 4 weeks but I've come so far!  4 weeks ago, I barely could do the 60 seconds of running.  And now I'm doing up to 5 minutes...300 seconds of running!!

I went from 8 total minutes of running to today I did 16 minutes of running.  That is double what I was doing 4 weeks ago!


Yay me!!!!

Just gonna do it.

So I'm thinking about trying Week 4 today.

Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

 I'm still unsure about it.  Not sure I'll be able to do it...but I'm going to try.

I discovered, on Friday, if I slowed down my pace for the 3 minute run, I could do it.  It was still tough, but it was easier.

I'm afraid I'm going to get stuck on Week 3 if I never attempt to do Week 4.  I am only going to be able to run twice this week due to being busy on Friday and not being at work, where I use the gym.  So I was thinking that if I did Week 4 today, I could take it slow and then next week, repeat.  So I'd do 5 days instead of just 3, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to repeat a week, anyway.

I watch people running at the gym...middle aged men, young men, young ladies...and I just can't even imagine doing it.  I'm 34...and to see a 50 something year old man just book'n it on the treadmill...I feel like a loser.  If a middle aged man can do it...why can't I?  I can't imagine getting to the point where I can just jump on the treadmill and run.  I feel like it'll never happen to me.  I envy them.  I know, logically, if I just keep up with it, eventually it'll happen - it just seems so unattainable right now.  I want it so badly.  Just worried that it won't happen.  Again, logically I know it will...if I keep up with it...but its still a very real fear for me right now.

So, today I'm going to give it a shot.  We'll see.  I might not be able to do it...but I'm going to go into it thinking that if I push myself, I'll be able to.

Wish me luck!

Not ready...

Well, it was a hard decision for me to make, but I decided to rerun Week 3 for a little longer.

Normally I go into a new week with a little nervousness and a feeling of "I'm not sure I can do it".  And I think that is probably normal.  But this week, I really felt sheer terror when I thought about doing Week 4.  I was barely making it through Week 3.  Even on the first of two, 3 minute runs, I was almost tripping over my feet and I was feeling like I was not going to make it.  I feel like it didn't get much easier as the week went on, when on other weeks, by the end of Run 3, I was feeling "ok" with it.  Not the case this time.

I struggled with feeling like I was letting myself down.  Feeling like "what is wrong with me".  Feeling like I should have been able to move on.  Anger that I couldn't do it.  I just knew my body was not ready for it.  It wasn't just "I'm not sure" it was a feeling of just knowing that this week is different...and that my fear, rather than just nervousness, was my bodies way of telling me to listen to it.

Someone told me that becoming a runner means that you begin to listen to your body.  And you treat it well.  And I feel like if I had tried Week 4, I would not be doing that.  I may injure myself, it could leave me feeling defeated and upset...it could knock me off the high that I've been feeling.  The pride that I've been feeling.  And while I am slightly upset that I could not move on, I know that repeating a week means that I'm not giving up.  I'm listening to my body.  I'm taking the time it needs to be ready for Week 4.

I plan on doing Week 3 a few more times at least.  I'm just going to take it a run at a time and listen to what my body is telling me.

So what if this 9 week program takes me 10, 11, or 20 weeks.  I'm doing it.

Two friends shared the two quotes below, with me.  I feel like I they are spot on.  Its making me realize that I still am, regardless of repeating a week, doing awesome!  My goal has not changed.  If anything, my goal and the desire to get there has grown from this.

REMEMBER: No matter how slow you run, you are still going faster than someone sitting on the couch!!

The miracle isn't that I finished.  The miracle is that I had the courage to start. ~ John Bingham 

Ugh...I looked.

Remember last week I had said that I was glad I didn't look at the upcoming week?  And remember I said that was probably good because otherwise I may not try it?

Yeah...I looked at the upcoming week.  I'm terrified.

I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be...but this week I'm doing 90 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking, 3 minutes of running, 3 minutes of walking...and repeat.  On those 3 minute runs, I'm dying.  Like I feel like I'm going to fall off the treadmill.  The second 3 minute run is torture.  I really push to make it.  I make it...but barely.

Well, next week is 3 minutes of running, 3 minutes of walking, FIVE minutes of running, five minutes of walking...and repeat.

I never should have looked.  I'm terrified.  And this isn't me just unsure about whether or not I can make it...I really do NOT think I'm ready for it.

When I do the three minute runs now...even the first one...my lungs are burning, my legs feel weak and I feel like I may fall.  I can NOT imagine running 5 minutes at this point. 

I'm debating on whether to even try.  I'm wondering if maybe I'll finish off the week and stay on Week 3 and maybe a couple more days of it will get me in a better place.

I think about the future and I can't even imagine being able to run for more than a couple minutes without stopping to walk and catch my breath.  I want to.  I believe I will...but right now the future is still a little foggy.  Its not so clear.  There is still that doubt and fear and "not me, I can't do that" in my mind. 

I HATE that I don't feel ready.  I feel like I'm letting myself down.  I'm letting my goal slip away just a little.

Next run is Wednesday.  So, now I need to decide what to do.  Do I at least try?  Part of me feels like I should.  No harm in trying.  But part of me really really feels like I won't be able to do it.  So, do I just do another two runs on Week 3? 

Unsure right now.

I should have just taken my own advice last week and not looked.  Someone smack me, please!

Glad for once I didn't pay attention.

So, Week 3 Run 1 was on Wednesday.  I was under the impression that it was very similar to last weeks running, but with a shorter walk time.  Last week it was run for 90 seconds and walk for 2 minutes.  And I did that 6 times.  I thought this week was run 90 seconds and walk for 90 seconds, instead of the 2 minutes.  Seemed good.  Was glad it didn't change too much...thought it was kinda odd that the running time didn't increase, but whatever.

Well, Wednesday I jumped on the treadmill, opened the app on my iPhone and when I saw the breakdown, I nearly died!  Boy was I wrong.  It was run for 90, walk for 90, run for THREE MINUTES, walk for three minutes and repeat.

Three minutes!  Seriously!?  I was like - no way will I be able to do three minutes.  That is insane.  In my mind, I was yelling at the app and the program asking them what the heck they were thinking!  Three minutes?  How about two?  Nope...skipped right over that.

I almost decided not to do it.  I almost turned the app off, and switched back to last weeks run time, but I decided I should try.  And guess what?  I did it!! 

There were two three minute runs in total.  I was running at about 4.7.  On the second three minute run, half way through I had to slow it down to 4.3...but I did it!  Yay me!!  I was so proud of myself.  So proud.  Two months ago, I never could have imagined doing this.  But I am.

I'm kinda glad for once I didn't look ahead to see what Week 3 was because I probably would have not even tried.  I think being surprised about it helped.  I wasn't nervous about it all day like I probably would have been if I had seen it coming.

Today is Week 3 Run 2...and I'm scared.  But I did it Wednesday.  I can do it today. 

But...for the record...I don't even want to know what Week 4's run time is.  *faint*

Does anyone believe in me?

I know I have a lot of people rooting for me.  Encouraging me.  Asking me how the "diet" is going and  how the gym is going.  I love the support and it helps me immensely.  Just to hear how proud people are of me and their words of encouragement.  Those words echo in my head as I'm pushing through my runs.

But on the other hand, part of me wonders if, in the back of their heads, they are wondering when I will fail.  When I'll give up.  Not that anyone wishes it on me...but I've "failed" so many times before, I wonder if they just expect it.

There is a man I work with who has a funny sense of humor.  I always tell him that he has no filter.  He says things that just make me cringe.  But he's a nice guy and sometimes he just says what other people are probably thinking, but won't say.

Well, a few times since I've started my journey, he's made comments about how he thinks I'll fail.  Or that I'll injure myself and will quit the gym/running, and gain my weight back and then some.  He said I'll never run a 5K and if I do, he'll pay me $20.  In my mind, I know he is kidding.  At least I think he is.  He just is like that.  Says stuff like that all the time.  But part of me wonders if there is any truth to his predictions.  Not that I believe I'll fail, but I wonder if part of him, and others, really think at some point I will.

And why wouldn't they have that thought?  How many times have I decided to eat better?  How many times have I started and restarted Atkins...and then switched it up to just eat better.  And it never lasts long.  I always have an excuse as to why I can't work out.  Like Dr. Phil says (Yes, I'm quoting Dr. Phil. LOL) "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."  And my past behavior shows I'm a quitter.

But Dr. Phil also asks that questions "...and how's that working for ya?"  Well, its not.  It hasn't.  My past behavior has turned me into a woman who is 257lbs, has a cholesterol level of 250 and is inactive.  So...its not working.  But I recognize that.

I've come to recognize that if I don't change my life - food, exercise, etc. - then I'm going to die early.

I've often said, about people who smoke and have kids, that they are cheating their child out of a parent.  They are cutting their life short.  They are selfish.  But one day, not that long ago I realized, I'm doing the same thing...with food.  I'm selfish.  I'm eating what I want, because I want to, when I want to, with no regard for my health.  With no regard to the fact that I'm cheating my little girl out of having a mom for a really long time.

Even after having that revelation, I still didn't make changes. Well, I tried to...a few times, but I always failed.

I'm not going to this time.  I've decided not to be selfish.  And as I've said before, I'm doing this not only for me, but for my little girl.  I want to see her grow up.  I want to see her graduate and get married and have babies.  I want to see my grandchildren grow up.  I can't do that without changing my life.

I plan on showing the people who make those "jokes" that I will do it.  I will reach my goals.  I will not quit.  Its different this time.  I'm changing my future.  I'm changing OUR future.

I love you sweet baby girl.  You are my life.

*cries* I don't wanna!

I don't want to go to the gym today.  In my mind I keep trying to come up with good reasons why I can't.

• I was up an hour earlier than usual last night.
• I have to go food shopping.  
• I had a busy weekend and just want to plop on the couch and do nothing.
• I've worked hard.  I deserve a day here and there, right?
• I just don't want to.

I don't enjoy the gym.  I don't like running.  I don't like sweating.  I don't like being the lonely fat chick in the gym - where I imagine people are saying "What the heck is she trying to do?"  I just want to be my regular lazy self, go pick up my daughter, go food shopping, eat dinner, put her to bed and then jump in my own bed to watch tv.

You know what though?  None of those "reasons" are enough.  They are not "reasons"...they are excuses.

So what, I don't like the gym...of course I don't.  I'm 257lbs and prior to a couple of weeks ago, my idea of exercise was taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

So what, I don't like sweating...sweating equals hard work.

So what, if people are thinking "What the heck is she trying to do?"

I'm TRYING to get healthy.  That's what I'm trying to do.  And being my regular lazy self isn't going to get me there.

I know making an excuse to not go today is only going to lead to other excuses in the future.  I'm going to make myself go.  There is no excuse good enough (well, not on that list anyway) that makes it ok not to go.  I made a promise to myself and a promise to my little girl.  My life.  That I would get myself healthy, and that is what I intend to do!

So whether I like it or not, gym...here I come.  And you treadmill over there...and you people looking at me...get used to it.  I will be there Monday through Friday, working my tail off.

Week 2, Run 3 today...I think I'll live.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race?

Maybe so, but its not helping me feel any better.

In my head I know...if you make good choices and change your way of life by eating better and exercising and you lose slowly, you have a better chance at keeping the weight off.  I logically know this.  I've read it and heard it a million times.  But today its not making me feel any better.

Last week after my first week busting butt in the gym, I fully expected to see a good weight loss because of my body being all "WTF are you doing to me!?  Exercise!?" - but I didn't.  I "only" lost .8lbs.  Ok, whatever...I got over it.  I reminded myself that I had gone to the movies the weekend before, had popcorn with butter, missed two days at the gym because of family stuff.  So this week, I went into the gym, busted my bum, made sure I ate really well.  Kept my calories at about 1300 - 1500.  Ran, did weights, on my "off" days of running, I still made sure to get 30 minutes of cardio in.  I was feeling good.  I just knew that Friday morning would come and I'd get on that scale and I'd like what I saw.  I just knew it!  I had worked hard this week.  Harder than I have EVER.

I stepped on that scale...stood perfectly still...the butterflies in my tummy had butterflies in their tummies!  I paused, took a breath, looked down at the number and...................WTF!?!?!  .8lbs!?!?!  Again!  Are you kidding me!?

I know.  Its a loss.  That is a good thing.  I'm glad it was a loss.  I just expected more.  I was instantly sad.  Its not going to derail me.  I still am set to go to the gym this evening and run my week 2, run 2.  And I'll do my weights and eat the right foods.  I just see .8lbs...and I see the big number of (I can't believe I'm putting this out there) 257lbs and I think "OMG, its going to take me for-flipn-ever to lose my weight at this rate!"  The thought of only losing about 2.5lbs a month is depressing to me.

I'm doing it though...and I will continue to do so.  I want to.  I want to challenge that scale!  I want to work my tail off week after week and try to get that number to budge.  That scale is taunting me!  Its like that girl yesterday, calling me fat...well, I'll show you!  You stupid scale!  I'm going to make that number move down.  Maybe it's only .8lbs at a time...but its moving...and I will continue to make it move!  So here's a big middle finger to you!  Take that and shove it!  I'll show you!

Breaking news - I'm fat!

So, I got called fat today.  I guess the circumstances aren't really important but a lady backed into my car and when I got out, she was difficult, and I was upset and because she was upset with my reaction to her hitting my car, she called me a ugly fat bitch.  My response: "Really?  That's all you can come up with?"  I don't think she quite knew what to say when I responded with that.  Ha!

I have been thinking about it all day.  It would never cross my mind to yell at someone who is skinny and say "You're an ugly skinny bitch."  Or someone short and say "You're an ugly short bitch."  Why is "fat" automatically something that is thrown in your face if you are indeed fat?

I mean, its obvious I'm fat.  It wasn't like you were helping me out by informing me that I was.  LOL  I own a mirror.  I've been fat most of my life.

A kinda cool thing happened though.  I tend to think a month ago, this would have really gotten me down.  Being called fat...its not something I'd hope for.  I'd probably be depressed and feel down on myself...but I didn't.  Why?  Because I know I'm taking this "fat" into my own hands.  I'm doing something about it.  Little did she know I was feeling good this morning when I put on a shirt I normally wear Spanx with to smooth my stomach out, and I didn't need the Spanx!  It fit nicely without it!!

So ya know what?  I might be fat...but I'm LESS fat than I was a month ago!  So your comment to me, is only making me feel better about myself.  So take that!!!  You're evil plan didn't work.  Neener neener neeeeeeener!

I'm fat...and I'm proud...and someday, I won't be fat.  Thank you to the lady who backed into my car!

And with that...I'm off to the gym to work my fat ass off! 

Week 2, Run 1 - COMPLETE!

See that sweat?  THAT is hard work and determination!  I did it!

I literally chanted "I can do it, I can do it" over and over in my head as I did this.  90 seconds of running - for someone who a week and a half ago, never ran - is so hard.  I'd get to 45 seconds left and I was dying.  My nose and lungs were burning.  I felt like I was going to trip over my own feet.  Then 25 seconds...and I just focused, thought of my daughter and kept going.

I can do it, I can do it... 

By the last 15 seconds, when my iPhone app prompts me and says "You have 15 seconds remaining" I was counting down until I could walk again.  15, 14, 13, 12..........3, 2, 1!!

I remember at the half way mark of my 29 minute session the app voice came on and said, in its silly British accent "You are now half way done.  You may want to stop and go home." and I thought to myself "Screw you!!  I'm doing this!" 

A few times I think I actually said "I can do it" out loud.  The gym at work was pretty empty though.  And even if it wasn't, oh well.  It worked. 

I almost cried a few times while running.  I could feel the sting in the back of my throat.  And I shed a few tears on my drive home.  I did it.  I'm doing it.  It wasn't because of pain or being tired...it was because I was doing it.  And I want to do it so bad.  I want to be a great role model for my little girl.

I did it!!  I'm so proud of myself. 

Next run, Friday!

I can do it, I can do it!

That's what I keep telling myself at least.  LOL  Today starts Week 2, Run 1 of the C25K.  Today I start the following:

Brisk five-minute warm up walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

 I'm nervous.  For the past week its been run for 60 seconds and walk for 90.  That was tough.  By my last run, I made it through better than my first.  Or course, that is how its supposed to work...so I shouldn't be surprised.  But I was just making it through.  It was easier...but not easy.  If that makes any sense.

I keep thinking "How am I going to run 90 seconds when 60 was killing me by the last 10 seconds."  Honestly I don't know how I'm going to do it - but I'm going to try.  I'm hoping its going to be like my first day running...that I felt like I was going to die, but I pushed through and somehow did it.  I'm hoping I'll complete it and each day it'll get easier.  Again...that's how its supposed to work, so we'll see.  I keep reminding myself that even though the run time is longer, so isn't the walk time.  So I have longer to catch my breath.

I'm nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time.  I just keep repeating to myself "I can do it, I can do it!"

If I don't check in again by this evening, I've died.  I've fallen off the treadmill, gotten skid marks on my face and am dead on the floor next to the treadmill.  Send help!  LOL

Couch to 5K Program

In case anyone wants to see what the program I'm following is:

Couch to 5K Program 

Week	Workout 1	Workout 2	Workout 3
1	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
2	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
3	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)
4	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
5	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.
6	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 25 minutes) with no walking.
7	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
8	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
9	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

I think its gone to my head...

But maybe that is a good thing.

As I mentioned...or I think I mentioned...I'm doing a Couch to 5k program.  I'm only going to be starting week 2, of a 9 week program, tomorrow.  Its kicking my butt, but I am determined to do this.

So, today - actually just a short time ago - I decided that I want to run a 5k!  Not now...not in a month...not even in three months.  I'm shooting for October.  That way I have about 6 months to get really comfortable running.  Plus, it won't be in the middle of the summer.  I hate summer...I have no desire to run during it.  LOL!  Maybe one day I will love running so much, and be in such great shape, that I will like running in the summer.  But right now...no thanks!

So, I texted one of my best friends, Erin.  I know she has started at the gym recently because she's just got a job as an EMT.  She wants to get in shape.  I asked if she was running or if she wanted to.  I told her that I had started and that I wanted to run a 5k in October and wanted to know if she wanted to do it with me.  She said she would!

I'm so happy!  If there is anyone that I'd like to run with, its her!  And she'll be moving to my town soon so once we get running on the treadmill down pat, we can maybe run outside a couple times a week.  I've heard running outdoors is way different and more difficult that running on a treadmill.

I'm so excited.  As I said in my last post...I don't know where or how it hit me, but I am in the zone.  I am enjoying WANTING to get healthy.  I want to do a 5k so badly that it brings tears to my eyes.

I imagine running.  I imagine the tiredness...the pain...the air burning my lungs.........but then I imagine finishing that race and just feeling a huge sense of accomplishment.  I want that feeling to be real!  I want to do it.  And I WILL do it!

In the zone...

I'm in the zone. Finally. I want this so badly. Back in 2003 I did Atkins, and while it worked great for a while - I lost 50lbs - at a certain point, I hit a wall. I had a child. I got divorced. I tried to start again...it just didn't fit my lifestyle anymore.

Many times I've tried eating better...only to have a week or two pass and I slowly gave up. I never seemed to stick to it. I tried fooling myself by not calling it a diet. Didn't work. I'd have a "treat" and then that would turn into a "treat day" and then a "treat weekend" - until a week had passed and I decided that I didn't care and I'd go back to eating crap.

I'm embarrassed to say, my daily food consumption usually was a large iced coffee, a couple of donuts or a coffee roll. Then I'd get to work and have some sort of breakfast sandwich...cheese, sausage, eggs on a croissant or a bagel. Then I'd have a snack...and lunch...with a snack. Then another snack. Then a huge dinner - with a few snacks in between. I can't even guess as to what my caloric intake was. I'd be afraid to even look.

Back in October I had my cholesterol checked. 251. But even that didn't scare me enough. I tried to be scared, but it didn't work.

Well, right after my birthday this year, something hit me. I knew summer was coming. Not that I love summer...but I love my cloths...and I remember how last year they didn't fit right. They fit...but not properly. Try walking around in 90* weather with a spanx on. NOT fun. So I decided that I had a mini goal. I wanted my summer cloths to fit this year. I started eating better. Making choices that I thought were good. Then I started using FitDay. And guess what...my food choices still weren't great. It was crazy to see that I still had NO idea what good food was. I had no idea what kind of calories were in things. So I fiddled around. Talked to friends about food options and managed to dwindle my caloric intake down from about 2500 cal a day to about 1500 cal a day. I actually find it a challenge. A fun challenge. To see how much food I can eat, but still stay within 1500 - 1700 a day. I preferably like to keep about 1500. I don't like seeing that number creep up.

Well, I then decided that although the weight was coming off...slowly. A pound or two here and there...that moving my body would probably help more.

There is a gym at work. A free one. I've never taken advantage of it. Ever. I walk by it often. I used to go to the gym. Back in 2003. I loved it. I loved that soreness I'd feel the next day. It meant I was doing something. But then I had a child...divorce, etc...and I had no way to get back. I thought about walking, but I know myself...and I know as soon as the weather starts to get warm, I won't walk. So I talked to my boss...changed my hours at work from 8-4 with no lunch and I decided I would go to the gym from 4-5.

First it was just going to be some treadmill walking. Then I decided that maybe I'd like to do weights again. Now I've decided that I want to Couch to 5K. I'm only a week in. But I'm doing it! I'm doing weights and cardio and C25K! I'm eating better. I'm eating well.

Don't get me wrong...if I want to go to the movies and have some popcorn, I do. But I do not...and will not...allow that to snowball. It won't turn into an all day thing.

While I wish the weight would come off faster...I know in the long run, slow and steady wins the race.

I've decided that my daughter is my life...and I want to live for her. I need to do this...and I am. I am IN the zone!